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thefun

lawyer

*Me as a lawyer* “Guiltypersonsayswhat?” “what?” “Your honor, I rest my case.”

transformation

Relationships are weird. “you’re funny and smart” eventually turns to “you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you”.

early

The people who complain about Mondays must not start drinking early enough.

Facebook

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santas got Facebook

BBQ rules

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity… Read More »BBQ rules

compare

Whenever somebody says that something is “better than sex”, I always think “better than sex with you maybe”.

not enough

Excuse me waiter, I’d like to return my food. It only received 10 likes on Instagram.

no chance

Teacher: “don’t get smart with me.” Student: “with you teaching there is no chance of that.”

unexpected guests

“This is the police open up!” “NO!” “Why not?” “It’s really messy in here and I wasn’t expecting guests.”

from the second

I knew my psychic was full of shit from the second she accepted my check.

scheme

I went to great effort to kill my wife recently, with a completely untraceable poison obtained from a plant that grows for just two weeks on the eastern side of a Peruvian mountain.Read More »scheme

present

Wife:”Don’t open that wardrobe! your birthday present is in there!” Me:*opening the door*”Too late…this is the stupidest present ever!” Me: “Why the fuck would I… Read More »present

master

My wife cames home to find me watching the football game…. Wife: “you turn that game off and go and do the dishes!! Me: *throwing… Read More »master

weird

As my teenage neighbour put her jumper back on, I looked at her and said, “Please don’t tell anyone about this, they’d think I’m a fucking weirdo”
Read More »weird

no way

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents.
Read More »no way

translation

I’m pretty sure Jägermeister translates to “I didn’t want to be productive tomorrow anyway”.

true love

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

entertainment

Me: Dad does mom ever get jealous? Dad: Your mom doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

question

I’ve been with my girlfriend for around 4 years, so last night I finally popped the question. …Why the fuck are we still together?

make fun

I tried to convince my little girl that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants. …But she didn’t buy it. She’s still making fun… Read More »make fun

self checkout

The self checkout was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

device

Ever heard about the device that converts thoughts into speech? It’s called Alcohol..

never tell

One thing my old Dad always said to me: Son, never explain yourself to anyone. He never did tell me why.