solver
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver.
thefun
To those who say love is more important than money…
To those who say love is more important than money… Have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
almost cooking
The recipe might be easy, but a reservation is easier.
to do
The Pink Panther’s To Do list: – To do – To do – To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
not miracle
“MOM I HAVE GOOD NEWS! “What? Did you get an A on your math exam?” “I said I have good news, not a miracle.”
exotic stare
Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.
ACTUAL ORIGINAL JOKE:
A kid and his father were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to… Read More »ACTUAL ORIGINAL JOKE:
prefer
Actually officer, I prefer to think scotch smells like me.
camouflage
What if aliens designed their spaceships to look like airplanes?
send by vde
It took 4 days to create the Earth and only 1 day to create every other galaxy (Bible calls them stars). That is why there… Read More »send by vde
too serious
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
if you know what i mean
I’ve been called sugar, pumpkin, honey, cupcake, sweets…all kinds of damn food. I’m a girl, dammit. Eat me.
they want…
“Siri, what do women want?” She hasn’t shut up in 3 days.
Friday night
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again…
anything
They told me I could be anything, so I became a submarine. – Titanic
example
My son asked me what was like to be married… So I deleted all the songs on his ipod and left only one.. that should… Read More »example
surprise
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 66 and his family threw him a party and when he walked in they shouted “Surprise!” his “Another maid is pregnant?”
solved
When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.Problem solved.
difference
how guys propose: on one knee. How girls propose: “I’m pregnant!!”
step out
“Can I have a double shot of fireball please?” I slurred. “Dont you think you’ve had enough, ma’am?” “Excuse me!? Listen asshole, I could out-drink… Read More »step out
it’s me
I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why. Like I just… Read More »it’s me
my turn
I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination. ”Ooooo!” she… Read More »my turn
I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to…
I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to come up to me, and said “Son, we need to talk.” Now when he said this, I thought, oh great, here comes the sex talk.
Read More »I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to…
survey
In a new survey, 60% of women admitted to using sex as a way of controlling their relationships. The other 40% were blatant liars…
reminder
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day when she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”
strange country
Girls are like internet domain names. All the good ones are already taken, so I’m probably going to have to settle for one from a… Read More »strange country
difference
Why is it when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a mans rib cage but when you’re alive you struggle with… Read More »difference
fired
One day a man returns home to his wife telling her that he was fired from his job at a deli mart. His wife asked why and he said, “after all the years I have worked there, I have always wanted to stick my penis into the meat grinder, and today was the day I completely lost my patience and finaly stuck it in there.
Read More »fired
rules
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”