regret
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up, I wish I’d never put it on now
thefun
confusing
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
unbelievable
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
complimentary
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says… Read More »complimentary
Great
You know the sex was great when your room looks like a scene from ghostbusters. Stuff thrown everywhere, and covered in slime.
asking
Got stopped by a policeman today. “Any idea how fast you were going back there?” He said “I’ll ask the questions”
advice
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
rates
How Girls Rate Guys: (Looks + money + humor + intelligence) So if you score a 0 on looks and humor, but have a 1… Read More »rates
another version
What if humans came from Mars? Some catastrophe happened and they needed to leave so “Noah’s Ark” was built as a space ship instead of… Read More »another version
prank
There is nothing funnier than yelling, “SHE’S STEALING MY CHILD!” and pointing at a woman who’s having trouble with her kid in public.
work out
I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
one, two..
Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.
I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will…
I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Me when I was little: “F is for friends who do stuff together, U…
Me when I was little: “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me.” Mom: What are you spelling? Me:… Read More »Me when I was little: “F is for friends who do stuff together, U…
bankruptcy
I have $.27 in my account…that means I have more money than the whole city of Detroit!
dictionary
The Hawaiian word for “lava”: “aa”, is remarkably similar to the word for “lava” used in the village of Pompeii: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”
randevu
“Be very silent, i dont want my parents to know. They will kill me if they know I’m doing this, especially with you,” I whisper… Read More »randevu
cleaning
The only thing that men are good at cleaning are the Browser History.
viagra
Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don’t have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.
no addiction
After beating my gambling addiction for the last 8 months, I’ve decided to treat myself to a vacation with the money I’ve saved. Las Vegas… Read More »no addiction
like dog
WHAT IS IT BOY!!?? DID YOU SEE SOMETHING??? -Me talking to my penis when I get a random boner.
point
Why do people point at their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don’t point to my crotch when I ask where the… Read More »point
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations…
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations…
not using
Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my “M” back…. you know, since you’re not using it. Sincerely, -usic
lawyer
*Me as a lawyer* “Guiltypersonsayswhat?” “what?” “Your honor, I rest my case.”
transformation
Relationships are weird. “you’re funny and smart” eventually turns to “you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you”.
early
The people who complain about Mondays must not start drinking early enough.
surprise lunch
Put in an official complaint at work the other day after finding someone had shit in my lunchbox, and they immediately launched an investigation. Turned… Read More »surprise lunch
I just called in sick because I have a cold…. case if beer in…
I just called in sick because I have a cold…. case if beer in my fridge.
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santas got Facebook