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fried people

in a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment

love handles

My blonde friend said she’s getting some new piercings. I asked where. “My love handles,” she replied. “But what if you lose them?” I asked.… Read More »love handles

nerves

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.My boss immediately came over and… Read More »nerves

french embassy

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take  a leak. After a long search he just  couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself.  So  he went down one of the side streets to take care of  business.  Just as he was unzipping, a London police  officer showed up.
 “Look here, what are you doing?” the officer asked.
Read More »french embassy

dates

WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
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compliment

I love what you have done with your hair, how do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

yard sale

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making… Read More »yard sale

blonde

Death : ” its time , give me your hand ” Blonde : ” No way , I know that if I don’t touch you… Read More »blonde

avoiding

When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

multi

I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.

fun Q&A

me : *washing car* neighbor : your washing your car ? me : no I’m watering to see if it grows into a bus

degrees

A man finds his wife propping up their washing machine on one side with two bricks. Man: What the hell are you doing? Wife: Washing… Read More »degrees

missing

Husband throws darts at wife’s photo but not a single one hits the target. Wife from kitchen, “honey, what are you doing?” Husband, “Missing you… Read More »missing

too much

I just want to lose weight by staying in bed, watching TV, and eating chocolate chip cookies. Is that too much to ask??

secure place

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

study

Stu(dying) Stu(died) Coincidence? I think not.

history

School teacher: do you prefer modern history or ancient history? Me: I only know about clearing history.

Michelle

Got up extra early to shave my legs because I’m gonna order pizza now. I watch a lot of porn.

so true

Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend…

pride

I was sitting in a room with my Aunts, uncles and cousins I looked over at my grandmother who had the biggest smile on her… Read More »pride

ready

My husband said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?” I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting… Read More »ready

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