multi
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
thefun
fun Q&A
me : *washing car* neighbor : your washing your car ? me : no I’m watering to see if it grows into a bus
degrees
A man finds his wife propping up their washing machine on one side with two bricks. Man: What the hell are you doing? Wife: Washing… Read More »degrees
missing
Husband throws darts at wife’s photo but not a single one hits the target. Wife from kitchen, “honey, what are you doing?” Husband, “Missing you… Read More »missing
too much
I just want to lose weight by staying in bed, watching TV, and eating chocolate chip cookies. Is that too much to ask??
secure place
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
study
Stu(dying) Stu(died) Coincidence? I think not.
history
School teacher: do you prefer modern history or ancient history? Me: I only know about clearing history.
Michelle
Got up extra early to shave my legs because I’m gonna order pizza now. I watch a lot of porn.
so true
Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend…
Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts..
Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts.. BBC Homepage Top News Story – Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast… Read More »Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts..
pride
I was sitting in a room with my Aunts, uncles and cousins I looked over at my grandmother who had the biggest smile on her… Read More »pride
ready
My husband said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?” I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting… Read More »ready
dinner at the restaurant
Me and my wife were having a romantic meal in a restaurant, when I said, “Close your eyes babe and don’t peek until I say… Read More »dinner at the restaurant
Brain: “Ok body, lets go to sleep”.
Brain: “Ok body, lets go to sleep”. Penis: “Hold the fuck up, I gotta get up and stretch for a second”.
different
I don’t know babe, you have an iPhone and I have an Android. We’re just two completely different people.
better place
Men, never go to a bar to pick up women. Just hang out in the shower head section at Home Depot.
I’ve just dropped my wife off at her mom’s, on my way to the bar.
I’ve just dropped my wife off at her mom’s, on my way to the bar. Man I fucking love this helicopter.
before
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor… Read More »before
drown
If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.
no matter
What I’ve learned from movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by slowly walking.
already
When I tell my barber to “take a little off the top”, he tells me god already beat him to it.
ghosts
A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believe… Read More »ghosts
bacon
I looked at my girlfriend ,who was sitting next to me, and I thought to myself, “My God, what a beauty! What a woman! True… Read More »bacon
no problem
My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today. I shouted, “You fucking Asshole! I come in at 7.30 and don’t get thanks… Read More »no problem
big and round
Her: Babe, I’m wet 😉 Dumb Boyfriend: Oh, you want a paper towel? Her: Stop playing around babe, I’m serious! DB: Ohhh, you want two… Read More »big and round
Me and my wife were sat outside a cafe in Barcelona today when…
Me and my wife were sat outside a cafe in Barcelona today when an absolutely stunning blonde with big tits and a perfect body walked… Read More »Me and my wife were sat outside a cafe in Barcelona today when…
carnival
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock. A lady asks “What are you dressed as?” He… Read More »carnival
winner
Had a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
price
‘organic’ is a special term used in supermarkets meaning ‘twice as expensive’