institution
Someone once said to me, “You’re insane! You should be in an institution!” I said to them, “I’m married” You know what they say, marriage… Read More »institution
thefun
Michelle
Got up extra early to shave my legs because I’m gonna order pizza now. I watch a lot of porn.
My daughter asked me why I haven’t been reading my texts…..
My daughter asked me why I haven’t been reading my texts….. I figured if they were important, the NSA would tell me!!
cheapest
I wish I didn’t buy the cheapest GPS they had. It’s just a woman’s voice, telling me to pull over and ask for directions.
no excuse
Me: is there a problem officer? Cop: I noticed the vehicle swerving a lot. Me: I had 8 beers officer. Cop: that’s no excuse to… Read More »no excuse
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first…
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people that send me a dollar.
more beer
At the bar, Bizi orders 10 beers. An hour later, he orders 10 more. What does he have? …A wife and 4 fucking kids…
lower
Women may not hit harder, but they do hit lower.
behind
Behind every great woman is a man who loves doggy style.
finally
I can’t be sure if my vegetarian neighbors are having sex or finally decided to eat bacon…
party problem
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually… Read More »party problem
explanation
The internet is full of cats because dog lovers actually go outside.
Never go at the first call of : “Dinner is ready!” It is a trap…
Never go at the first call of : “Dinner is ready!” It is a trap for you to prepare the table.
Saying “MY team won” after watching the game is like saying “I…
Saying “MY team won” after watching the game is like saying “I had sex with that woman” after a porno. YOU just sat on the… Read More »Saying “MY team won” after watching the game is like saying “I…
pills
My wife said “get some of those pills that help you get an erection”, should have seen her face when I tossed her the diet… Read More »pills
question
How did Jesus find guys named Peter, John, James, Thomas and Simon in the Middle East?
temporary
I don’t think they should put “out of order” signs on escalators when they’re broken. Instead they should have a sign that says “temporarily stairs.”
with knive
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a… Read More »with knive
chuck
when Britney spears sang “Hit me baby one more time” she wasn’t talking to chuck norris cause if chuck Norris hits someone there isn’t another… Read More »chuck
weird
Giving a girl flowers is weird… “here, I killed these for you… I saw them, and, they reminded me of you so… I killed them.… Read More »weird
numbers
Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with? Wife: 30…. Husband: I wish you’d have been a virgin when I married you. Wife: I… Read More »numbers
Immature.
Immature. A word used by boring people to describe fun people.
ATM asks
ATM asks if I want to donate to charity. Sure! Donate my transaction fee.
sense
It would just make a lot more sense if the devil was a woman.
before
I have to exercise real early in the morning. Before my brain has a chance to figure out what I’m doing.
scanning
I just sneezed then my laptop said ‘Scanning for viruses’. WTF
Monday
It’s Sunday today, and if you are listening really carefully, you can hear how Monday is sharpening it’s claws.
lipstick
My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I told her straight up that I was cheating on her………..there was no way I was gonna tell… Read More »lipstick
magnet
We call her magnet because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.
snail
A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.