Saying “MY team won” after watching the game is like saying “I had sex with that woman” after a porno. YOU just sat on the… Read More »Saying “MY team won” after watching the game is like saying “I…
My wife said “get some of those pills that help you get an erection”, should have seen her face when I tossed her the diet… Read More »pills
How did Jesus find guys named Peter, John, James, Thomas and Simon in the Middle East?
I don’t think they should put “out of order” signs on escalators when they’re broken. Instead they should have a sign that says “temporarily stairs.”
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a… Read More »with knive
when Britney spears sang “Hit me baby one more time” she wasn’t talking to chuck norris cause if chuck Norris hits someone there isn’t another… Read More »chuck
Giving a girl flowers is weird… “here, I killed these for you… I saw them, and, they reminded me of you so… I killed them.… Read More »weird
Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with? Wife: 30…. Husband: I wish you’d have been a virgin when I married you. Wife: I… Read More »numbers
Immature. A word used by boring people to describe fun people.
ATM asks if I want to donate to charity. Sure! Donate my transaction fee.
It would just make a lot more sense if the devil was a woman.
I have to exercise real early in the morning. Before my brain has a chance to figure out what I’m doing.
I just sneezed then my laptop said ‘Scanning for viruses’. WTF
It’s Sunday today, and if you are listening really carefully, you can hear how Monday is sharpening it’s claws.
My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I told her straight up that I was cheating on her………..there was no way I was gonna tell… Read More »lipstick
We call her magnet because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.
A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.
The best moments in life are the ones you can’t put on Facebook
I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.
Having sex with a condom is a lot like eating Cheerios with chopsticks. I’m still going to enjoy it but its going to take me… Read More »long time to finish
One million copies of a new book sold in just 2 days due to typing error of one alphabet in title “An idea, that can… Read More »your life/wife
I wish my computer would stop asking me stupid questions. Of course I’m sure I want to clear my browser history.
Kid:Daddy why did you and mommy divorce? Dad:Well your mother couldn’t keep me drunk forever…
Girl: Do you play tennis? Me: Why? Girl: Well, your right arm seems a lot more firm than your left. Me: Yeah I play tennis
My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said, motioning to the waitress, “don’t ever get married”
“yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever
I’m having a relaxing bath and I think my girlfriend is making me a sandwich! YES! I assume anyways since she’s bringing the toaster into… Read More »last meal
*Drives into drive-thru* May I take your order? No. *Drives away.*
I was painting my room with my brother when I realised. he’s not a very good brush.
Q. Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? A. Huge tits.