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So do I

When Victoria Secrets commercials come on tv. So do I.

SCORE

I heard some girl having sex moans through my window. in my best mortal kombat voice i could. I yelled FINISH HER!!! I heard alot… Read More »SCORE

really good..

Either my boyfriend has early signs of Parkinson’s or I just gave him a really good blow-job.

best friend

A friend will share their lunch. A good friend will buy you lunch. A best friend will eat your lunch

Some advice:

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after.

start

I’m about to start my work, but first let me disamble my stapler and name and polish every part.

not in a mood

I had to laugh last night when my boyfriend said he wasn’t in the mood for sex. As if it’s an option.

wondering

Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.

dictionary

I’m going to purchase a dictionary, as after watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don’t understand the meaning of Final.

battery

My next door neighbors Smart car’s battery died… I had to give him a jumpstart from my iPod.

distraction

Cell phones are a distraction while driving. Says cops with radios, dash cams, laptops, cell phones, radars and donuts.

BBC news

“Welshman saves sheep by giving it the kiss of life” ….Thats the exact same thing I would have said to someone if I got caught… Read More »BBC news

guess

They call me Mr. Rhetorical. Can you guess why?

page six

I couldn’t buy perfume this week so I rubbed a magazine on my shirt. When people ask ” What’s that heavenly smell?” I say “Page… Read More »page six

I always knew

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I always knew you’d hurt me. I knew you’d break my heart and just walk away. Who the fuck steals someone’s beer!?

I learned something

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There’s one thing I’ve learnt working at Mcdonalds. I should have fucking tried harder at school.

explanation

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wife:”could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my arse? ” husband:”could you explain to me, why you… Read More »explanation

Never lie to a smart woman!

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Never Lie to a smart woman…
A man called home to his wife & said, “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in Canada with my boss & friends… We’ll be gone for a week.. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion i’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week,set out my rod & fishing box . We’re leaving from office & I will swing by the house to pick my things .. Oh and Please pack my new blue silk pajamas..” The wife thinks about this, being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.. Read More »Never lie to a smart woman!

I can`t wait!

Scientists are close to re-enacting The Big Bang theory. Hope its got another hot blonde with nice tits in it.

Poor Popeye…

Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms!

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