every picture
I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.
thefun
someday I will…
I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.
James: My name is Bond.
James: My name is Bond. James bond. Dumbledore: My name is Dumbledore. Brian dumbledore. Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian… Read More »James: My name is Bond.
eating my popcorn
A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket… Read More »eating my popcorn
not on fb
I don’t always tell my mother how much I love her. but when I do, it’s not on facebook!!
welcome to the jungle
I was getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend hazardous and she decided to put on some music I was confused on why the… Read More »welcome to the jungle
autocorect
My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”
you do now
I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf… Read More »you do now
unrealistic
Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…
what a…
GIRLS put makeup, lots of creams , sexy perfumes & they make the best hairstyle EVER. . . Finally guys look at them and say:… Read More »what a…
characters
I was over my blonde friend’s house and asked for her Wi-Fi password. She replied, “Mickey Goofy Pluto Daisy Cinderella Shrek Donkey Fiona Washington D.C.”… Read More »characters
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in… Read More »The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
don’t change the subject
Charles came home at four in the morning and found his wife lying awake in the bed. “Where you until this hour of the morning?”… Read More »don’t change the subject
Little Johnny was doing math homework.
Little Johnny was doing math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son… Read More »Little Johnny was doing math homework.
our sofa
I walked in today and my wife slammed the laptop down on the table and said, “There’s pictures of naked women on the laptop, what… Read More »our sofa
idiot
little johnny’s parents went away for the weekend and left him at the neighbor’s house. when it was time for bed Mrs. Williams told him… Read More »idiot
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in…
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…
Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes…
Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.
conclusion
How do we know that Cinderella was written by a women? Because if it was written by a guy the prince would have fucked her… Read More »conclusion
I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs.
I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs. If I wanted someone to flash their tits, come on to me, take my money, then… Read More »I’ve never understood why guys go to strip clubs.
except
I just explained Google images to my mum. ‘Pick anything to search for’, I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’. ‘Except that.’… Read More »except
clinomania
Teacher: “Why were you absent yesterday? Were you sick?” Me: “Yeah, i was sick with Clinomania.” Teacher: ” Oh, okay. Excused.” Clinomania:(n) excessive desire to… Read More »clinomania
so hard
Mom: “Shouldn’t you be cleaning your room?” Me: “Shouldn’t you be in the Kitchen?” I’ve never been hit so hard.
always
I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.
Hello
I got sent out of class once at school. The teacher shouted at me, “what would your parents say if I called them?” “Umm… Hello?”
question
Seriously, what if the astroid that hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs was a UFO……. ……. and we’re the aliens……
familiar
Is it just me or the words “Lawyer” and “Liar” sound a bit too familiar….??
My wife said that I should use the term ‘make love’ instead of…
My wife said that I should use the term ‘make love’ instead of ‘fuck.’ What the make love is she talking about?
difference
Men look at a woman’s behind and go “Wow, what an ass!” Women look at a man’s face and think the same…
italicized
The leaning tower of Pisa is in Italy. I guess you could say it’s…. italicized.