tha last night i…
The best moments in life are the ones you can’t put on Facebook
thefun
bad man
I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.
long time to finish
Having sex with a condom is a lot like eating Cheerios with chopsticks. I’m still going to enjoy it but its going to take me… Read More »long time to finish
your life/wife
One million copies of a new book sold in just 2 days due to typing error of one alphabet in title “An idea, that can… Read More »your life/wife
delete history
I wish my computer would stop asking me stupid questions. Of course I’m sure I want to clear my browser history.
drunk forever
Kid:Daddy why did you and mommy divorce? Dad:Well your mother couldn’t keep me drunk forever…
right arm
Girl: Do you play tennis? Me: Why? Girl: Well, your right arm seems a lot more firm than your left. Me: Yeah I play tennis
My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said,…
My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said, motioning to the waitress, “don’t ever get married”
android
“yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever
last meal
I’m having a relaxing bath and I think my girlfriend is making me a sandwich! YES! I assume anyways since she’s bringing the toaster into… Read More »last meal
*Drives into drive-thru* May I take your order?
*Drives into drive-thru* May I take your order? No. *Drives away.*
stupid
I was painting my room with my brother when I realised. he’s not a very good brush.
huge…
Q. Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? A. Huge tits.
every picture
I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.
someday I will…
I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.
James: My name is Bond.
James: My name is Bond. James bond. Dumbledore: My name is Dumbledore. Brian dumbledore. Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian… Read More »James: My name is Bond.
eating my popcorn
A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket… Read More »eating my popcorn
not on fb
I don’t always tell my mother how much I love her. but when I do, it’s not on facebook!!
welcome to the jungle
I was getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend hazardous and she decided to put on some music I was confused on why the… Read More »welcome to the jungle
autocorect
My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”
you do now
I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf… Read More »you do now
unrealistic
Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…
what a…
GIRLS put makeup, lots of creams , sexy perfumes & they make the best hairstyle EVER. . . Finally guys look at them and say:… Read More »what a…
characters
I was over my blonde friend’s house and asked for her Wi-Fi password. She replied, “Mickey Goofy Pluto Daisy Cinderella Shrek Donkey Fiona Washington D.C.”… Read More »characters
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in… Read More »The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
don’t change the subject
Charles came home at four in the morning and found his wife lying awake in the bed. “Where you until this hour of the morning?”… Read More »don’t change the subject
Little Johnny was doing math homework.
Little Johnny was doing math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son… Read More »Little Johnny was doing math homework.
our sofa
I walked in today and my wife slammed the laptop down on the table and said, “There’s pictures of naked women on the laptop, what… Read More »our sofa
idiot
little johnny’s parents went away for the weekend and left him at the neighbor’s house. when it was time for bed Mrs. Williams told him… Read More »idiot
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in…
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…