to reduce the losses
My girlfriend’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
thefun
same reaction
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
cheap solution
Can’t afford anti depressants… So I’m drinking No More Tears shampoo.
first instruction
The first cooking instruction on food packaging should be “Don’t throw out box until after reading all instructions.”
depends
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 cans of beer a day seems necessary.
unlogic
The English language: If a car transports something it’s called shipment. If a boat transports something its called cargo.
second best
Drawing is the second best thing in the world which requires your Hand & Imagination simultaneously.
Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a…
Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a seat.” I have 14 now
change
My ex reminds me off pink floyd… He became less ‘how I wish you were here’ since he started dating ‘the dark side of the… Read More »change
password
* At A Restaurant* Waiter; What Would You Like? Me: The WiFi Password……
taste test
Of course I’m a medical professional, and what do you mean your previous gynecologist never performed a “taste test” ?
mistake
My mate told me that his girlfriend talks in her sleep. “I know” probably wasn’t the best answer.
Dinner table etiquette help needed: I forget, on which side of…
Dinner table etiquette help needed: I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
fluent
I’m drunk so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish this morning
how often
Doctor: Do you smoke? Me: Only when I drink Doctor: How often do you drink? Me: Yeah, I smoke
anniversary
Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a ‘fucking cock’. Every year she has… Read More »anniversary
scene
I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, “Look,… Read More »scene
to explain
If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.
statistical
When we break something- 5%- Fix it. 10%- Tell someone that you broke it. 85%- Fix it just enough so that the next person who… Read More »statistical
break-up
Best break-up line: I get so emotional when your not around.. I call that emotion Happiness.
police smartphone
In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police.
trick
The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you… Read More »trick
“It’s never too late!” ~Late people
“It’s never too late!” ~Late people
under pressure
I hate that they put “use by” dates on condoms… like I’m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
rambo no. 5
I hope the next Rambo movie is called “Rambo no. 5”, and its just Stallone dancing thru the jungle shooting a lil bit of this… Read More »rambo no. 5
awkward
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
ready
Husband 1: Why do u take your wife only to night clubs? Husband 2: Buddy, by the time she gets ready no other place is… Read More »ready
inside
It’s not about what’s on the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside.. Especially if you’re a fridge.
got married
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together..
feelings
Men have feelings too. For example, right now I feel hungry. So go make me a sandwich before I feel angry! I’ll need my energy… Read More »feelings