To do list: 1) Go to pet store. 2) Buy bird seed. 3) Ask how…
To do list: 1) Go to pet store. 2) Buy bird seed. 3) Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow.
thefun
easier
Sometimes I think that divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.
enough reach
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
never
I’ll never forget the day I got married. I’ve tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.
mistake
“Well, the woodpeckers were a mistake.” Said Noah, as the ark started to sink…
live longer
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
out of bed
Remember when we had to get out of bed to get on the internet
old way
A hacker attack briefly shut down Twitter on Thursday. Millions of twitterers were forced to talk to each other the old fashioned way. Through Facebook.
bad luck
People say if you open an umbrella indoors, it’s said to bring bad luck.. Personally i think, if it’s raining indoors.. You’ve already had your… Read More »bad luck
active
Doctor “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50… Read More »active
Life is like a dick…Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
Life is like a dick…Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
unless
They say drugs and alcohol isn’t the answer. Unless they ask”What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”
whales
I was in a bar the other night and I overheard a couple of overweight women talking to each other near me. Their accent appeared… Read More »whales
difference
*its not you its me * in america -means breaking up in asia -just means they are looking at pictures of people
waist
I just spent 6 hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.
latex factory
Latex Factory!
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise..Read More »latex factory
seizure
I danced like no-one was watching, but someone was………they called an ambulance because they thought I was having a seizure…..
others
After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, “Tell me who the other nominees are ? and I will… Read More »others
finally
Leonardo DiCaprio:*names his child Oscar* Doctor:”Would you like to hold h-” Leonardo DiCaprio:”Say it like we rehearsed it.” Doctor:*sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
function
‘I love you’ is a mathematical function where ‘I love’ is constant and ‘you’ is a variable..
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she…
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?
ignoring
Wife: What’s that beeping?” Me: “That’s my seat belt alarm.” Wife: “How can you ignore something so annoying?” Me: “Huh?”
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
I said
Me: “Would you like to dance?” Woman: “Hell no!” Me: “Im sorry you misheard me. What I said was, you look fat in those pants”.
goodbye
The first program of an emo-programmer is “Goodbye world”.. by bozhobg
Oscar
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him… Read More »Oscar
moment
A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.
while
Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything… …while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.
autocorect
A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I… Read More »autocorect
honest
According to my penis, there’s a 99% chance I like you.