that’s why
Boss : Could I see you in my office? Me: No, probably not. There are walls that separate our offices. and that’s why I’m here… Read More »that’s why
thefun
Trust
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now, I might lose their… Read More »Trust
I’m here
I’ll call it a “smart” phone the day I yell “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”
literally
It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs, because they always take everything literally.
long time
Took the wife out for dinner last night & I was just about to order the steak when she said, “Why don’t you try something… Read More »long time
advice
the best relationship advice i can give you is make sure you’re the crazy one…
reminder
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse the other day, and she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”
boring
You`re so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn`t come back to you.
new way
‘Lite’, the new way to spell ‘light’, now with 20% fewer letters.
True fact
High heels were originally created for men. Butchers used them to avoid stepping in blood. They were also used as weapons befor they became fashion… Read More »True fact
actually
I love the internet becuase its the one place where people from all different cultures can socialize and share ideas and…….wait, which folder did my… Read More »actually
Busy hands
My son came home from school the other day with a massive bIack eye… I said, “Where the fùck did you get that from?” “Billy… Read More »Busy hands
the first
Kid: God made the first man and woman right? Pastor: Indeed Kid: And they were naked in this garden, right? Pastor: Well, yes Kid: And… Read More »the first
replacement
The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
funny
The Internet is a funny place man. 1 minute you’re checking your e-mail, and next thing you know it’s 4 hours later, your pants are… Read More »funny
birthday
I’m sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was my birthday.
cheating
While my girlfriend was showering I took a sneaky look at her Internet browsing history. I was shocked to see her last search was, ‘how… Read More »cheating
What do you call a bee in the US?
What do you call a bee in the US? – USB
no chemistry
I went speed dating last night. Halfway through the night I was surprised to sit down in front of my first love. We had a… Read More »no chemistry
I’ve noticed there is a shocking amount of sex on TV lately.
I’ve noticed there is a shocking amount of sex on TV lately. Especially when the wife goes out.
great moments
Two whiskey drinkers in a bar. “I only drink whiskey at great moments.” “And what do you call great moments?” “The moments when I drink… Read More »great moments
disappointed
Someone just used my driveway to turn around. Now I’m standing outside with two open beers and a lonley face.
glasses
The doctor said I needed glasses.. I assume he meant glasses of alcohol because I feel so much better now.
to buy mom
A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and… Read More »to buy mom
forgot
If you are happy and you know it, You probably forgot that tomorow is Monday
about the apple
Eve: “I got an apple” Adam: “…” Eve: “what?” Adam: “I thought we agreed on Android.” Eve: “Well the serpent said this was better.”
I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She…
I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She giggled and said, “No” I said, “Doesn’t that tell you… Read More »I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She…
shock
My girlfriend just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock……. I’ve only… Read More »shock
multiplayer
Sex is like video games, single player is good But wait until you discover multiplayer.
distance
I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore, I’m moving the fridge into my room.