not bad
I’m not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?
thefun
Reasons
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons I won’t try religion for bacon reasons
Where is the boss
Last year everyone made a huge deal about The Pope resigning. To be honest I don’t blame him. I’d leave my job too if my… Read More »Where is the boss
Last year I joined a support for antisocial people, We haven’t…
last year I joined a support for antisocial people, We haven’t met yet.
Delicious
She was amazing, so firm, so beautiful. Her legs were long and perfectly formed, her breasts were so full and juicy. I laid her down,… Read More »Delicious
Difference
When men drink, they talk too much, drive badly, and pick fights for no reason. Women do all of these things while sober.
Mysterious
When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.
Backup
Multiple personalities……because you never know when you’ll need backup.
Cloning
I just caught my son playing with himself. Looks like my cloning experiment was a success…
Legal
marijuana is only legal if you’re sick. so it’s ill-legal
Friends
If I can’t buy you the perfect birthday present at the liquor store… We probably can’t be friends.
After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly…
After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly won’t be driving my car anytime soon.
Water
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. “Thirteen glasses of water, please,” Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.
Use the..
Luke Skywalker and I went for Chinese. After many failed attempts by Luke to use the chopsticks, I was like, Luke, USE THE FORKS!!
Reminder
Just a reminder that mammogramming is more important than instagramming your boobs. Awareness month c:
yesterday
I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their… Read More »yesterday
siren
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little girl.Read More »siren
like God
My girlfriend treats me like God. She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
story
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
to try
My doctor told me that I was sterile today. I can’t wait to get home and tell my girlfriend that I want to try for… Read More »to try
trust
My girlfriend complains all the time that she doesnt trust me, i dont know why, i mean my wife trusts me.
incident
What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow job while he was driving? They both fell off the motorcycle.
Question
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking… Read More »Question
Wurst
Oktoberfest brings out the wurst in people.
reverse
Philosophy of marriage : At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD.. Later, somehow don’t know why.. alphabets get reversed.
working
His girlfriend left him a note on the fridge. “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my Mother’s house.” He opened… Read More »working
break the rule
Today, I was cleaning the garage and found our old christmas lights. I noticed that the label said “for indoor and outdoor use only”. I’m… Read More »break the rule
obsession
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet. Worse than that my son Google agrees with her.
excuses
Having some alcohol- every woman’s excuse for wanting to get laid. Having a penis- every man’s excuse for wanting to get laid.
selfies
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of… Read More »selfies