Familiar
If someone says “You look familiar,” just ask “Were we in prison together?” That will stop any further conversation… You’re welcome…
thefun
I told you
Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am? Cop: step out of the car, sir.… Read More »I told you
Trick
I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with… Read More »Trick
Difference
What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians
Time machine
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast
If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood…..
If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood….. She’ll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.
No mercy
When a woman is mad for whatever reason at a man and she remains quiet for long periods of time, beware that she is simply… Read More »No mercy
French
When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word. I’ll never forget the first day at… Read More »French
From her
My wife wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache… I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have… Read More »From her
Laughing
ME: I had a wet dream about you last night.. HIM: ooh what was it, do tell ME: you got hit by a train, so… Read More »Laughing
Explaining
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that’s where i… Read More »Explaining
Terms
The bible is the longest set of Terms and Conditions ever. So many people agree with it without knowing why.
Nonsense
The Spice Girls showed us that women even when given the opportunity to tell us exactly what they want, what they really really want, will… Read More »Nonsense
Change
I have a confession to make, years ago I had a sex change, I went from having a lot of sex to having none… it… Read More »Change
“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is…
“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job,” said my 35… Read More »“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is…
Warning
Be wary if your girlfriend has a ‘”special romantic night” planned. You’ll burn yourself on at least one of the 30 odd fucking candles and… Read More »Warning
Average
A recent test showed that the average man burns off 125 calories after having sex for an hour… If he was having sex for an… Read More »Average
English
“Mother! Don’t be so vulgar! I wasn’t “masturbatìng”. I was tentatively massaging the limb perpendicular to my torso while two appealing Homo sapiens of the… Read More »English
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and…
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that… Read More »The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and…
Wrong button
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly. The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
Selfie
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Listen
The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens.
I have the worst luck in girlfriends.
I have the worst luck in girlfriends. They always shout the wrong name in bed. When will women learn that my name is not God?
Forgive
Today I went to confessional at my local church. I said to the priest: “forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been six months since my last confession.”
He asked what I would like to confess so I told him: “I’m going to bl@ckmail somebody father.”
“Why?” He asked.Read More »Forgive
Lesbians can also take Viagra.
Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don’t have to swallow it, they can just let it melt on their tongues.
Step by step
Instructions for falling down stairs… Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 8
I bet that the little Red Riding Hood was blond.
I bet that the little Red Riding Hood was blond.
Over…
After my girlfriends father died we decided to get married stood on his grave. Well he did say I could marry his daughter over his… Read More »Over…
Fantasy
My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy…that we have Health Insurance!
for a minute
“I’ve been cheating on you,” I said to my wife . She said, “Really? Honestly? You lousy bastard.” “And furthermore,” I said, “she says I… Read More »for a minute