Alternative
Instead of leaking celebrity photos, maybe we can leak PDF versions of college textbooks? Just shooting that out there.
thefun
Manippleation
i pretend to be a plastic surgeon to talk girls into showing me their breast. some call it fraud I call it maNIPPLEation
How do I look
Accidentally took a women’s multi vitamin and I’ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Attack
It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack it.
Waiting
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don’t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Beer VS. Women
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for beer! Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women! A cold beer… Read More »Beer VS. Women
What social
I love how we call it “social media” when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet.
I was…
Elementary School; “He told me to!” Middle School; “It was a dare!” High School; “I was drunk.”
Difference
Husband’s in movies: “I know my dead wife would want me to move on & be happy.” My Husband: “I know my dead wife would… Read More »Difference
Jokes
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Never included
Mother battery: “all your friends are at the party across the street, why are you here?” Battery: “mum, we’re batteries, we’re never included”
Bites
Ever notice that piece of the Apple logo that’s missing? It’s symbolic of how Apple bites off of other people’s ideas.
Good enough
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours… Read More »Good enough
Don’t want
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!” The doctor replies, “That’s impossible, we’re… Read More »Don’t want
Surprise
I remember that look on my girlfriend face as I got down on one knee & pulled out the ring… Then ran as I handed… Read More »Surprise
Punishment
Whenever I punish my 16 year old, I don’t take away her phone. I take away her charger and then watch the fear in her… Read More »Punishment
Bonus
She used Vaseline to give me a hand job and I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
Quotes
‘Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life.” – Shakespear “Laughing At your Wife’s Mistakes, can SHORTEN your Life….” – Shakespear’s Wife
Difference
Before marriage you realize the importance of sex. …. After marriage you realize the importance of masturbation
Remember
life is not a fairy tale. if you lose a shoe at midnight, you are drunk.
Tricked
You said they were laughing with me… -well played tequila….well played 😒
50% of marriages fail… if you were going skydiving and they…
50% of marriages fail… if you were going skydiving and they told you only 50% of the parachutes opened… would you still fucking jump
Not alone
FAVORITE SEX POSITION: Really doesn’t matter as long as I’m not by myself!!!
Leading
A recent study shows that the leading cause of pregnancy in Ireland …. Is Guinness!
Forever
“We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,” smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii. “You… Read More »Forever
“I bet you your car, house, savings, and dignity that you can’t…
“I bet you your car, house, savings, and dignity that you can’t make me happy for the rest of my life.” -Women
Dinners
My psychologist: Mhmm. Been drinking heavier than usual? Me: Mmm. Uhh. No, not really. Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner. My psychologist: Uh… Read More »Dinners
to be sure
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is… Read More »to be sure
Olympic
girl- Harder! Deeper!! Faster!!! me- Wetter! Tighter!! Younger!!!
Who decided
If her bra and panties match when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.