Explain
It would be difficult to explain a fountain to someone from the 3rd world. “This is our water showing off contraption… we also throw our… Read More »Explain
thefun
Best joke
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked if he was going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to… Read More »Best joke
Finger
Me: “Hey babe, I’m at the hospital, I cut off my finger.” Wife: “Oh no, the whole finger?” Me:”No, no…the one next to it.”
Direction
I went in a CD store and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records. “Walk this way,” he replied.
Do you know the relationship between two eyes?
They never see each other…BUT 1. They blink together. 2. They move together. 3. They cry together. 4. They see together. 5. They sleep together.… Read More »Do you know the relationship between two eyes?
Difference
“I’ve got a boyfriend,” is a woman’s’s way of saying fuck off and leave me alone. “I’ve got a girlfriend,” is a man’s way of… Read More »Difference
Complaint
When I die, I’m not going to Heaven or Hell, I’m going to the Complaint Department.
In a row
My mom caught me masturbating when I was 14. My dad caught me smoking when I was 16 and he made me smoke 20 in… Read More »In a row
Not looking
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because… Read More »Not looking
Cable company: No problem sir, a technician will be out tomorrow…
Cable company: No problem sir, a technician will be out tomorrow between 10:00AM and Thursday
Irony
She believes in honesty and wears a padded bra.
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will…
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will mess with a man who lives with his wife.
My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some…
My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions. “What’s the quickest way to get to the town centre?” she asked.… Read More »My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some…
Alive?
I didn’t have alcohol for a week and got a text from my Liver, “Hey there! You still alive?”
Nominated
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Own hands
My girlfriend broke up with me. I guess it’s time to take things in my own hands now.
Negotiate
The kidnapper rang and said to me, “€10,000 and you get your wife back.” “Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman. “€20,000 and she’s all yours.”… Read More »Negotiate
Breath away
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a… Read More »Breath away
In line
When standing in line, I only hate the people in front of me. The people behind me are cool.
My cross
A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be… Read More »My cross
Just to hold
My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big sandwich. “Don’t eat it just yet, just hold the plate” I said. Five… Read More »Just to hold
Person: You a athletic?
Person: You a athletic? Me: I run Person: oh Sweet Me: *Whispers* a blog.
Recognition
One sunny day, a priest and a rabbi are walking in the park. They pass a lake, and the priest says “It’s nice and sunny,… Read More »Recognition
Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said “I died of cancer.” The second man said,… Read More »Seenus
Step by step
I said to my wife “I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship.” she giggled and said “what are you on… Read More »Step by step
Letter
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for christmas, I’d like for my mammy and daddy to get back together.Please see what you can do?”
Love Teddy.
Wrong number
“I love you,” I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub.
“I love you too,” came the reply.Read More »Wrong number
Happy Birthday…
Nothing more awkward than singing happy birthday to a person whose name you don’t know.
Snooze
The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.
Roulette
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette.