Protection
I’ve been hiding from exercise….I’m in the fitness protection program.
thefun
Never
I don’t know how to act my age, because I have never been this old before!
Reverse
I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he said, “I want to try a little reverse psychology on you in this session.” I said,… Read More »Reverse
Enough
“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied. “What? Listen dickhead, I could… Read More »Enough
Happy to see
You know how when you break up with someone, then see them & they’ve gained weight & it makes you so happy? I think that’s… Read More »Happy to see
I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to…
I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to climb the Stairway to Heaven.
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole!
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here.. .. .. -Men
Witness
I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day. “What are you here for?” asked the driver. “My bankruptcy hearing. You might as… Read More »Witness
Unrealistic
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Leave me
I might look like I’m doing nothing.. but in my head I’m having a serious conversation
Hurts
Sometimes it physically hurts to hold back a sarcastic comment.
Fifth person
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out… Read More »Fifth person
Replace
The L in my luck has been replaced with F.
Only with one finger
I attracted a girls attention from across a room while I was sat down by using one of my fingers indicating for her to “come… Read More »Only with one finger
Wrong formula
Why are Americans fat? Because they think E=MC Donalds 😁
Depends
Interviewer: So, What do you want to do in your life? Me: It depends on the last movie I watched!
One hand
I’m typing this with one hand, “I wish you were here”
what is wrong with me
I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week. They must have a really well paid job. I can… Read More »what is wrong with me
Trick
Females are so slick, they will lie on your chest and ask you, “Babe have you ever cheated on me?” then wait for your heart… Read More »Trick
A family was having guests to dinner.
A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, “Dear, would you like to say… Read More »A family was having guests to dinner.
Not guilty
Judge: State your name. Me: Not guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You’re not guilty? *moonwalks out of the courtroom* *doesn’t… Read More »Not guilty
Conditions
The pope is very ill, and nobody can cure him. The cardinals call in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination,… Read More »Conditions
Over acting
A man died and went to heaven..God was surprised to see his heart was still beating.. God asked him, how come??The man replied ; I’m… Read More »Over acting
Men shouldn’t feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing doggy…
Men shouldn’t feel bad if they only last 8 minutes doing doggy style… I mean, that’s almost an hour in dog time.
Tweet
Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don’t follow you.
Happy end
I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning
Jealous
Her: I can’t believe you would talk to that other woman right in front of me like that! I saaaaaw the way you looked at… Read More »Jealous
Last minute
I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.
Shut the…
Two year old son spits water on floor. Wife: we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You… Read More »Shut the…
Boxer
This girl was chatting me up at the pub. “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”… Read More »Boxer