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thefun

Tweet

Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Happy end

I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning

Jealous

Her: I can’t believe you would talk to that other woman right in front of me like that! I saaaaaw the way you looked at… Read More »Jealous

Last minute

I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.

Shut the…

Two year old son spits water on floor. Wife: we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You… Read More »Shut the…

Boxer

This girl was chatting me up at the pub. “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”… Read More »Boxer

Glasses

Son: Where are my sunglasses? Dad: I don’t know… where are my dadglasses?

Survival

If your girl can’t cook and you cheat on her with a girl that can, then it’s not cheating… That’s called survival

Good..

There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking… Is… Read More »Good..

Italic

The leaning tower of Pisa is in Italy. Therefore, it’s simply…Italicized.

Still

“Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it’s endless and… Read More »Still

Who are you

Dad: Son, you better pass that exam today or else forget me as your father! Son: Sure, whatever Dad. *5 Hours later* Dad: So, how’d… Read More »Who are you

Miss him

Two newlywed go on their honeymoon. As things start to get hot and heavy, The woman says, “Please be careful with me I’m a virgin.” The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married 3 times before.” “Read More »Miss him

Help!

Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist. I came in from work early and I heard… Read More »Help!

Withdrawing

All Samsung officials are withdrawing their children from school, as the first thing children are being taught is: A is for Apple.

Hope so

My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: ‘Every exit is an entrance to a new experience’ “Wow” she said, “are you thinking what… Read More »Hope so

Christmas

The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

See you

My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?” I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting… Read More »See you

Before her

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Read More »Before her

Correct

A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was… Read More »Correct

Elfie

If one of Santa’s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an “elfie”?

Preferences

It’s funny how most men prefer specific fats on a woman’s body, while most women prefer specific muscles on a male body.

You’re not

“I’m going to pay for this in the morning,” I slurred after downing a bottle of whiskey. “No you’re not,” said the shop keeper.

Not gently

I went to see a nurse about my concerns my penis is too small. “There’s absolutely nothing there to worry about” She said Fucking bitch,… Read More »Not gently

Stoner thoughts:

Strippers are just married prostitutes. Think about it, they’ll tease you all daym but they’ll NEVER sleep with you.

Complaints

Being a man is far worse than being a women. Yeh, women get periods, pregnancy and mood swings. But, men have to marry them.