You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you’re a father?
Because it’s rapidly becoming apparent to me.
thefun
Someone has their house be robbed in Russia
The house owner says “Damn you, this is MY property!” The robber responds “No. This is OUR property”.
Why do you have to break up with your japanese gf twice?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know!
I’m rebranding my moods
I’ve decided to stop referring to my moods as manic or depressive. From now on they will be called beast mode and cocoon mode.I also… Read More »I’m rebranding my moods
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?
They’re always hung way too early.
I was just thinking of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why is a genie’s lower half transparent?
So you don’t see their Djinn-itals.
I just read an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.
Turns out there’s a lot of cross referencing.
I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.
She said, “Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?”
Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.
They are calling it Alexa Pro.
If “going number 1” means “taking a pee”
Number 1 doesn’t mean shit.
So there was this one prostitute that said she would do anything for money…
There were these really irritating guys that made me want to strangle the life out of their bodies. I asked her if she could beat… Read More »So there was this one prostitute that said she would do anything for money…
I saw a few nuns at a bus stop…one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie…
You could say they had a couple bad habits.
This girl told me that she could suck me off inside my own head.
It was truly mind-blowing.
No one knows what propaganda means anymore.
It’s when a British person takes a really good look at something.
Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?
He hated capitalism.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.After a few drinks,… Read More »C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet.
She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.
My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.
Now they are crying up there and saying it’s too cold and dark.
Why’d the shy spy lose his job?
He was too embarrassed about being debriefed.
So there’s this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced
Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He’s yells out “oh fuck, not… Read More »So there’s this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced
A man runs into a store.
He approaches the shopkeeper and exclaims, “Help! help! I’ve met a beautiful girl, but she’s trapped at the bottom of a well.” The shopkeeper reaches… Read More »A man runs into a store.
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and… Read More »4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through…
Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings of fire, but instead of flaming rings, they were onion rings,… Read More »Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through…
Rushing for Black tomato gin
I’ve never run a marathon… But I have walked across a parking lot really fast because the liquor store was about to close.
Something fun to do: Go to a yard sale and secretly place a…
Something fun to do: Go to a yard sale and secretly place a dildo in there and hang around to watch people’s reactions.
They say, “revenge is sweet.” They also say, “revenge is a dish…
They say, “revenge is sweet.” They also say, “revenge is a dish best served cold.” I’ve come to realize revenge is probably ice cream.
I think my bathroom mirror is defective.
I think my bathroom mirror is defective. Every morning it’s out of focus.