As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and… Read More »4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings of fire, but instead of flaming rings, they were onion rings,… Read More »Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through…
I’ve never run a marathon… But I have walked across a parking lot really fast because the liquor store was about to close.
Something fun to do: Go to a yard sale and secretly place a dildo in there and hang around to watch people’s reactions.
They say, “revenge is sweet.” They also say, “revenge is a dish best served cold.” I’ve come to realize revenge is probably ice cream.
I think my bathroom mirror is defective. Every morning it’s out of focus.
I went skydiving and this guy straps himself to me, we jump out of the plane and as we plummet, he says to me, “So,… Read More »I went skydiving and this guy straps himself to me, we jump out…
Girl gonna text me “Come fuck me”, like I’m some kind of piece of meat. First of all, I’m on my way….
During plane flights, I get really terrible earache! This year I found a solution that’ll help…. I’ve booked my wife’s seat 10 rows back.
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me I’m doing a good job driving.
All porn films should start with 5 seconds of music, to remind me that my volume is turned up. ???
Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dogshit instead of walking around it.
Barcelona came to Anfield 4 nothing..
Teacher: Your daughter said the F word in class. Me: Well…She didn’t fucking learn it from me.
The only advantage other people have over me is that they can kiss my ass and I can’t.
New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes nine minutes off your life. According to my calculations, I died sometime in September… Read More »New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes…
I phoned a Chinese Restaurant last night and the man said, “harrow, I’m Wang Kin the Chef” I said, “No worries mate, I’ll call back… Read More »I phoned a Chinese Restaurant last night and the man said,…
It’s not about how many times you fall. It’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work,… Read More »It’s not about how many times you fall.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks….Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Boss: You’re doing great! Keep doing what you’re doing. Me: I wish I knew what I was doing.
Me: Do you want me to look into your eyes when I stick it in my mouth? Officer: Ma’am just blow into the breathalyzer please.
Alcohol: Post it, it’s fuckin hilarious. Sobriety: WTF?…I’m never drinking again.
I have only one word for women that want to treat me like a sex object… Hey
I’m never really sure if I have free time, or if I’m just forgetting all the shit I’m supposed to be doing.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis…..LADDER! I… Read More »How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, stick around, I’ll give you plenty of other legitimate reasons.
“Your underwear is too tight and very revealing” I said to my wife She said, “Wear your own then dickhead” ?
Her: Do these jeans make my ass look big? Me: Not at all. Your ass make those jeans look small.
“Oh fine, I’ll just have one bite”. Narrator: ” He was, in fact, about to have more than just one bite. He was about to… Read More »JOKESTER
Girlfriend: I’m going to leave you if you don’t stop wearing different clothes every hour. Me: Wait pleeeease ‼‼ l can change.