Coincidentally
me: ladies first her: is that because you want to look at my ass? me: no, it’s because I’m a gentleman…… looking at your ass… Read More »Coincidentally
thefun
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in…
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we’re terrified people in real life will find us… Read More »We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in…
Good morning
If you have to drink more than 3 cups of coffee in the morning, maybe you should switch to cocaine.
modes
I seem to have two modes: Sleep is for the weak, and then sleep for a week.
Role play
Me: Officer before you arrest me, can I use this get out of jail card? GF: This is why we don’t role play.
Make a wish
It was my son’s birthday yesterday. I said to him last night, “Blow out the candles and make a wish.” He said, “I wish you… Read More »Make a wish
Don’t understand
If someone doesn’t call back after 2-3 calls, chances are they’re just not that into you. I wish these debt collectors would understand that.
Three previous
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow. He said, after his three previous funerals he personally wants to see the bastard go in… Read More »Three previous
Service
“So you’re telling me you carry a customer’s groceries to their car free of charge?” I asked the bag boy at the supermarket this morning.… Read More »Service
Present
My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday. So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.
If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work….
If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work…. And tell them all to GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
Wine is like a laxative for feelings
wine is like a laxative for feelings
Worth
If someone needs to watch a flight attendant demonstrate how to fasten a seatbelt, is their life really worth saving?
Did you know: The average woman spends a year of her life…
Did you know: The average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to where.
Cards
“Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway. “Of course, Sir”, he replied, smiling. “Great”, I replied, “this one is… Read More »Cards
Not husband
Wife:dear,this computer is not working as per my command. Husband:its a computer not a husband……!!!
Or…
Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn’t it? You think I’m fat.
So far
I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday.
More than..
I’m going to a gay bar tonight. I’m not gay. I just wanna be in a bar where I can boast that I have fucked… Read More »More than..
Have fun
Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
Regret
Do I regret is? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably. – A summary of most of my decisions.
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was…
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife. I said “Listen Susan,… Read More »As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was…
Whilst travelling to work on the train this morning I noticed…
Whilst travelling to work on the train this morning I noticed this really fit bird that I couldn’t take my eyes off. She saw me… Read More »Whilst travelling to work on the train this morning I noticed…
Morse code
If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime TV, I’m going to say: Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!! Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!! Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt,… Read More »Morse code
Lost appetite
The wife just told me that if I’m a good boy and eat all my dinner, she’s going to take me upstairs and fuck my… Read More »Lost appetite
Following
According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10. Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?
a boy
A note to all the strippers out there. Bambi was a boy.
We’ll see
” how old are you?” I asked my husband’s mistress. ” 20, I will be 21 in a few days!” ” Yeah we’ll see ”… Read More »We’ll see
First Lady on the Moon
Lady: Houston! We have a problem! NASA: What’s the problem Captain? Lady: Never mind. It’s nothing. NASA: I repeat, what’s the problem? Lady: Nothing everything… Read More »First Lady on the Moon
I’ve just seen a massive rat in Pizza Hut.
I’ve just seen a massive rat in Pizza Hut. He was picking up an order for the Ninja Turtles.