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Jokes

  • JOKESTER

    We accidentally shot down that airliner and killed all 176 people onboard.
    -Iran

    But you should let us have nuclear weapons.
    -also Iran


  • JOKESTER

    Gwyneth Paltrow has gotten into the candle business, one of her scents is called “This Smells Like My Vagina”.
    I’m guessing that the candles are slightly used?


  • JOKESTER

    i saw a sign in the hospital this morning that read ‘family planning – use the rear entrance’
    thats damn good advice, i thought!


  • JOKESTER

    I was showing my grandpa what YouTube was and he said that he couldn’t imagine what his childhood would’ve been like if he had that, I didn’t have the heart to show him PornHub.


  • Good News Bad News

    Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently. “Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?” “The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”


  • Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha.”

    So, “20 x 0 = 0.”I don’t know what’s funny!


  • Why didn’t the 11 ants get let into the ant hill?

    Because the ant hill is for ten ants only.


  • I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…

    Like you don’t see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.


  • My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…

    You should have seen her face as I drove pasta


  • The FBI, CIA, and KGB are trying to prove which one of them is the best at catching their targets.

    The task is to go into a forest and capture the rabbit in there.The FBI goes in, they place inside operatives into the animal kingdom, question all the tree witnesses, and interrogate even the rocks. After 3 months of effort, they come out, and conclude that the rabbit does not exist, and was just an urban myth.The CIA goes in next. In a week, there is an uprising of freedom fighters who seek to overthrow the hierarchy, which escalates until the forest burns down. They present the corpse of a rabbit and say it resisted.Not impressed, the KGB is sent in to the next forest. By the afternoon, they come out, dragging a bloody and bruised bear behind them, who instantly confesses: “I am rabbit. My mother and father were rabbits.”