Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.”See that little kid over there? That’s where.”The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.”See that man over there? That’s the guy I got it from.”The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn’t take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.”See that wall over there?”They nod.”Well, I didn’t.”

You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her? I just did that, but with a pizza..

October 19

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Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

October 17

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On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead. Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

October 17

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False alarm

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again. Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!

October 16

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Friends are like boobs some are real some are fake

October 16

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Give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sleep with his wife while he’s fishing.

October 14

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Sex is like golf, Playing every hole is the goal.

October 13

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

October 8

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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, […]

October 8

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my mate asked “what’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I replied.. “Chemistry… I’m on valium and the hubby’s on Prozac”

October 7

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