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Talking frog
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Next the frog yells, “Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The young man said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
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Severe headache for years
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Severe headache for years
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end. The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.”
He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
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Japanese, Brit and Indian
in Joke of the Day Japanese, Brit and Indian
A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.
The Japanese threw his big bag of chopsticks collection saying, “There’s chopsticks available everywhere in Japan.”
The brit threw is big bag of tea bags saying, “Tea is the national beverage of Britain.”
The Indian threw both those guys off the jet saying, “There are lot of humans in India.”
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Blonde teenager
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
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JOKESTER
This Stay at Home shit needs to end soon, today I took a nap simply to stop eating.
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JOKESTER
Best part about coronavirus?
I can tell people to stay the fuck away from me and I’m not just being an asshole.
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JOKESTER
Her: “Why do men kneel when proposing?”
Me: ” They’re talking to the pussy not you…”
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JOKESTER
Similarities between Walt Disney and Pornhub.
– Hiring adults to act like teens.
– Have lots of family issues.
– Keep remaking similar content.
– Lots of teen users.
– Fun for the whole family.
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JOKESTER
My heart sank when I came home early and saw the plumbers van parked in our drive.
Thankfully though, he was in there fcuking my wife and there wasnt an expensive leak.
???
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JOKESTER
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I’m a piece of meat…
….And it wouldn’t bother me, if she wasn’t a vegan.