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I have a friend who circumsises elephants.
It doesn’t pay much, but the tips are huge!
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A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won thelottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
I told my husband this joke and he said, “If I won the lottery, I’d give you the world, mi vida,” and gave me a big bear hug.
“Awww. I love you amor.” I said.
Then he playfully shoved me away and said, “And I’d move to Mars.” LMAO. He’s such a douche.
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What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
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A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.
News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!
Do you have any goals for the future?”
“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.
“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the future?”
The rooster replies darkly, “To beat up that darn ostrich!”
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My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree
You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.
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A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”
The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”
The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”
The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.
A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.
A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.
He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
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Why don’t black people ever go on cruises?
They’re not falling for that one again.
Jokes
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