Judas

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Mark.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Mark?”

“Marijuana from Colombia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Another soft knock is heard.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Matthew.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Matthew?”

“Cocaine from Bolivia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?”

“It’s John.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring John?”

“Crack from New York.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Someone starts pounding on the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Judas!”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Judas?”

“FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!”

Nothing like a nice cold beer after a nice cold beer.

September 17

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A man finds a genie in a bottle He rubs it. A genie pops out “you have two wishes” The guy says “hold up, aren’t I supposed to get three wishes?” the genie replies “Check your pants” The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says “how did you know?” Genie says “I’ve been […]

September 17

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Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password: “VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento” When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

September 17

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer Cause I’m not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

September 16

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My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am…… ….. an Ice Cube

September 16

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My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I’d been hiding. She got really mad and said she’s never going to play Scrabble with me again.

September 15

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Sex is like pizza

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

September 15

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I’m really not worried about anti-vaxxers….. It’s a dying movement.

September 14

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What small thing screams “I’m rich”? A dwarf who just won the lottery.

September 12

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A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks “Why the long face?” The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.” The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.” The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?” […]

September 12

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