@ChrisNewton

I’ve just put a shit load of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

In response to Sweden and Finland joining NATO, Russia introduces embargoes on Absolut and Finland.

Fool me nice

My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter. He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.

Tale without make-up

– Who are you? – Sleeping beauty! – Why are you so ugly? – I just woke up!

@asiers

They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

@AdamVasyl

A husband, wracked with guilt finally confesses to his wife……”dear, when I have sex with you, I often think of other women!” “You bastard!” she cried “When I have sex with other men, I only think of you!”

@AdamVasyl

A politician who had been dating a woman decides to investigate her background before proposing. So he hires a private detective to snoop on her. Sometime later, the detective sends his report. “The lady comes from a decent family, has a great job and a flawless character. The only issue is that she has recently […]

don`t worry!

After a long night of frenzied, hot and passionate love making, a guy notices a photo of another man on the woman’s bedside table. He starts to worry. “Is that your husband?” he asked nervously. “No silly!” She replied, snuggling up to him “Your boyfriend then?” he continues “No, not at all!” She replied…..nibbling his […]

@ExtraSure

I was hoping after coronavirus…. … there would be no more monkey business.

Wedding joke

There is a cure for nymphomania, but it’s expensive. It can be cheap, but most people want a big ceremony, open bar at the reception, etc.

@ChrisNewton

They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph. I’m clearly not average then… My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely cum much quicker than all of them!

Her home

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied…. “But you already own her […]

News

My wife and I have an open relationship. Found out last night.

@Alex94

Took grandma to a Chinese restaurant yesterday. She used her chopsticks to knit a sweater out of her noodles.

@Mo

Me: “When I die, I want to die making love.” Wife: “At least it will be a very quick death.”