@fornicatesanimals

A friend’s mother gave me a Blowjob. I didn’t think I’d be blowing up balloons for his party.

@AnalysisFrequent

A man called his twin brother from prison. A man called his twin brother from prison. “Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”

@Gizmo

What’s the difference between Sex, and Hide & Seek? With Hide & Seek I can count to ten before I shout, “I’m coming, ready or not”

@rucyanya

Extrovert: It’s a pleasure to meet you. Introvert: It’s a pressure to meet you.

@Organic_Nectarine508

I just walked into a restaurant. They asked if I had any reservations. I said yes, I heard the reviews were shit.

@Jeep

Today I was thinking that I needed a break from life, then it dawned on me that life is fine, I need a break from stupid people.

@Gerry1of1

I don’t see my wife & kids anymore. It’s all due to gambling. I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai’i

@Petras01582

“The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach.” The surgeon was fired later that day.

@LaTommysfan

I was so poor as a child that If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

@maskedRodent

After my wife heard about “A woman’s right to shoes,” she went out and bought 12 new pairs.

Honesty

No officer these drugs aren’t mine, I stole them.

@supernurse

Always proofread to make sure you don’t any words out.

@Jeep

People always say, let me be Frank, I want to know who this guy is and what makes him so special…

@Sean_0510

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass. He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket into Walmart

@beanyboy41

Apparently, if you type erectile dysfunction into google…. Nothing comes up

@Jokester

What if, instead of Cinderella being a cleaning slave, she was a cooking slave and her name was Mozzarella?

@NJ

I don’t work well under pressure or under any other circumstances.

@Gizmo

The day my wife died, I felt the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life. I somehow shot myself in the eye when I popped the champagne cork.

@MO

A Canadian visiting America gets held up at gunpoint. “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live. The Canadian replies gleefully, “Oh! You must be what they call doctor.”

@Rob

McDonald’s just came out with a new burger called the McBiden, when you order it the person behind you has to pay for it..