A friend’s mother gave me a Blowjob. I didn’t think I’d be blowing up balloons for his party.


A man called his twin brother from prison. A man called his twin brother from prison. “Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”


What’s the difference between Sex, and Hide & Seek? With Hide & Seek I can count to ten before I shout, “I’m coming, ready or not”


Extrovert: It’s a pleasure to meet you. Introvert: It’s a pressure to meet you.


I just walked into a restaurant. They asked if I had any reservations. I said yes, I heard the reviews were shit.


Today I was thinking that I needed a break from life, then it dawned on me that life is fine, I need a break from stupid people.


I don’t see my wife & kids anymore. It’s all due to gambling. I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai’i


“The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach.” The surgeon was fired later that day.


I was so poor as a child that If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.


After my wife heard about “A woman’s right to shoes,” she went out and bought 12 new pairs.


No officer these drugs aren’t mine, I stole them.


Always proofread to make sure you don’t any words out.


People always say, let me be Frank, I want to know who this guy is and what makes him so special…


Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass. He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket into Walmart


Apparently, if you type erectile dysfunction into google…. Nothing comes up


What if, instead of Cinderella being a cleaning slave, she was a cooking slave and her name was Mozzarella?


I don’t work well under pressure or under any other circumstances.


The day my wife died, I felt the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life. I somehow shot myself in the eye when I popped the champagne cork.


A Canadian visiting America gets held up at gunpoint. “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live. The Canadian replies gleefully, “Oh! You must be what they call doctor.”


McDonald’s just came out with a new burger called the McBiden, when you order it the person behind you has to pay for it..