Eat your dinner, there are people starving in Africa” said my wife I replied : “Lets have sex then because there are horny men…. basically everywhere.”

@Declan

My wife bites her lip to look sexy………. I just don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom lip.

My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager

Once you start buying cheap brakes….. You won’t be able to stop

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK

a new drink at the bar

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of “Less.” “Less?” I’ve never heard of it,” the bartender replies. “Is it a foreign drink or something?” “I don’t have any idea,” the guy says. “My doctor told me about it. He said I should try drinking Less.”

Pfizer is coming out with a Loyalty Card, after your 12th booster you get a free pizza… Provided you’re still alive.

How many politicians does it take to solve a problem? Trick question, nobody knows, because it’s never happened.

Australia said: “No one can come without vaccination”. Djokovic understood: “No 1 can come without vaccination”.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to re learn the basics. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs… again.

she got a text that said ” what are you doing ?” which she answered with ” probably failing my drivers test “

@ChrisNewton

My wife phoned me and said I’m so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits. Of course it fits I replied You were 9 months pregnant when we were married.

My memory foam pillow is so old….. …That it was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

I think you are wrong.

– In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue? – Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20? – No – Why not?!

Not invited

I received a wedding invitation. It read, “Your presence itself is a present. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.” After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic… …they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

Pair of

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in “What a pair!” says the wife “Yeah, the man doesn’t look too bad either” replied the husband

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy. Never laughed so hard in my life.

Mixed signals

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her. So long story short I’m learning sign language now.