My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to pick two of them.

May 14

I got caught masturbating to an optical illusionI said “it’s not what it looks like”

May 14

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

March 21

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

March 19

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad. Until mom found out and hid the urn.

March 9

I went for a tattoo.

I told the tattooist that I wanted a tattoo of an Indian on my back. Half way through I said “put a tomahawk in his right hand.” “Tomahawk.?” “I have just finished his turban.”

March 9

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

March 1

Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they’ve had? Because it’s well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

March 1

Doctor: If you want to lose some weight, quit eating fatty.Me: Like fatty foods?  chips and dip?Doctor: NO, quit eating Fatty!!!

March 1

I had a dream! I dreamed that in 2021 there’s a new viral gastroenteritis: COSHIT. We all go around in diapers, and remember the 2020 masks with a pale, romantic sadness!

October 8