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Jokes

  • keep up

    Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
    Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
    Boss: “Keep up the good work”

  • Quit quoting me, girls.

    Quit quoting me, girls. I was a whore. Not a philosopher!
    – Marilyn Monroe

  • to them

    Her: excuse me I’m up here.
    Me: excuse me i was talking to your boobs.

  • wondering

    sometimes I spend entire meetings wondering how they get the big meeting table through the door

  • plans

    I never plan on drinking as much I do.
    …which is why I no longer make plans.

  • to the right place

    My wife called me today to tell me that the car wouldn’t start.

    I said, “Honey, when I’m not there you have to sit in the driver’s seat.”

  • selfie

    Art History Fact: the Mona Lisa is one of the most famous selfies.

  • it’s time

    I started arguing with my gf a lot, we rarely have sex anymore and we can’t stand each other either…

    I think we’re ready to get married…

  • Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both…

    Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.

  • copying and pasting

    You know you’re online sex relationship isn’t working out when you discover she’s been copying and pasting her orgasms.