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Jokes

  • My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex.

    We laughed about it for a while. Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists.

  • I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop.

    I don’t want to mention the name of the shop because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. On Wednesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.” ??? No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrereerr. . I”ll tell you what… I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again!!

  • When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

    Unfortunatley, I didn’t impress anyone at the cremation…

  • What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

    Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

  • A cop pulls over a car with two priestS. The cop goes over to the car and says “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

    The priests look at each other for a moment and reply, “We’ll do it.”

  • Some people take Christmas way too serious…

    It’s 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!

  • Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.

    Wait, what do you mean someone already seddit?

  • An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

    “I give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total” says the Genie. The Irishman says “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone”. With a blink of the genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Scot says, “Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water.”

  • Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, “Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin’ deposit over here.”

    The teller is a little taken aback by the customer’s language, but does her best to be professional.”Sir, I’m more than happy to help with that, but I’m going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business.””Whoa, Lady, take it easy,” the man says, “I just want to make a fuckin’ deposit over here, nice and quick like…””Sir! We are a place of business and I do not need to tolerate such filth. If you can speak civil, then we can proceed to…””Goddam, lady, I just wanna make a fuckin’ deposit and get outta here. Can you just…?”Before he could finish, the teller stormed off to her manager, visibly upset by the man’s coarse language. She complains to her manager for a bit, who finally relents and agrees to deal with the cursing customer.”Hello Sir,” the manager says, “I’m afraid that the teller has taken some offense to the type of language you have been using, and I don’t know that we can complete this transaction.””Oh, for chrissakes, all I’m tryna do is deposit a million fucking dollars…””What?!” The bank manager says incredulously, while pointing at the teller, “And this fucking bitch wouldn’t help you?!”

  • Hardangervidda, Norway

    r/pics•Posted byu/SimenGjelsvik3 hours ago-25°C on a crystal clear morning at Hardangervidda, Norway [OC]
    87 points9 comments