This Christmas, remember to do your shopping at Vile.Amazon.com
That way, a certain percentage of your spending goes towards the Republican Party.
Holiday Jokes
Holiday jokes for every season of celebration, from Christmas crackers and New Year gags to Halloween scares and Easter puns. This is your one-stop stash of festive humor to lighten up the family gathering, the office party or the long drive home. Warning: contains a high number of dad-level puns.
Why was Santa’s sack empty at the end of Christmas night?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I checked my local weather app to see if I’d get snow for Christmas this year
Guess it’s still up in the air ¯_(ツ)_/¯
What Christmas Carol is sung by hallucinating psychotics??
“Do You Hear What I Hear”
Why couldn’t the Grinch steal Christmas?
Because of the Santa clause.
I bought my wife a nutcracker for Christmas
I figure after all these years breaking my balls manually she deserves it
So for Christmas I asked my brother to switch our names and lifestyles for a week….
Little did he know I was waay up on Santa’s naughty list
In Italy, children don’t leave milk and cookies for Santa.
Instead, they leave him elfredo.
I know it’s naughty, but I gotta know…
When Santa does come once a year… does Mrs.Claus say “Let it Snow” or “Let it Go”?
What did the sorority girl say when she saw Santa delivering presents?
“Yassss, Sleigh bitch!”
looking for bizzaro hallmark christmas movies
Looking for Hallmark style Christmas movies with a plot so bad or weird it’s good in a campy way. I saw one a couple years… Read More »looking for bizzaro hallmark christmas movies
Last night I was watching a Nigerian Christmas movie…
And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised and he exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!!!”. I immediately stopped watching changed the… Read More »Last night I was watching a Nigerian Christmas movie…
Just Post Malone things
Q: What did Post Malone eat for breakfast? A: Toast MaloneQ: What did Post Malone spray on before he left the house? A: Post CologneQ:… Read More »Just Post Malone things
Today I asked the hot girl at the gym what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said “Fuck You…”…So, I’m pretty excited about 2020.
The baby reindeer asked the mother reindeer if it would snow this Christmas.
The mother replied sorry it’ll rain dear.
If you ever feel annoyed because your birthday’s on Christmas so you don’t get as many presents…
just imagine how Jesus must feel.
What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?
They’re always hung way too early.
Jokester
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s day.When they answer, “dinner”, you should say, “No…after that.”
Happy end
I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning
Last minute
I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.
Christmas
The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.
Elfie
If one of Santa’s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an “elfie”?
“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about…
“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about to, “Your Christmas present is in there!” “Too late,” I said, pulling open… Read More »“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about…
Letter
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for christmas, I’d like for my mammy and daddy to get back together.Please see what you can do?”
Love Teddy.
break the rule
Today, I was cleaning the garage and found our old christmas lights. I noticed that the label said “for indoor and outdoor use only”. I’m… Read More »break the rule
complaint
I’m absolutely disgusted! Easter is almost over and I can’t find any christmas cards on sale yet.
without
Valentine’s Day is just a massive hassle bruh. I need to: 1. Remember to text my girlfriend a long lovey dovey message at the beginning… Read More »without
My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards.
My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards. I’m not that popular, I’m just a really lazy mail man!
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I said I wanted a blowjob. She’s all, “no silly, something I can buy you.” So… Read More »My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.