I was buying a Christmas tree off this lady, and she asked “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I replied “No, I was thinking of putting it up in the living room actually”(Nothing better than a christmas joke on new years eve.)
Holiday Jokes
Holiday jokes for every season of celebration, from Christmas crackers and New Year gags to Halloween scares and Easter puns. This is your one-stop stash of festive humor to lighten up the family gathering, the office party or the long drive home. Warning: contains a high number of dad-level puns.
New Year’s Eve
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.At the stroke of midnight, she… Read More »New Year’s Eve
Every year I tune into ‘Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve’ thinking this will be the year it’s worth watching.
But they always drop the ball.
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?
He got 12 months!
This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym…
… and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.
JOKESTER
Because of all the commercialism and materialism, I’ve decided I’m not going to celebrate Christmas anymore. So feel free to buy me a present anytime… Read More »JOKESTER
JOKESTER
Evidently I misheard what my nephew wanted for Christmas, you should have seen the look on his face when he opened Mein Kampf and not… Read More »JOKESTER
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Some people take Christmas way too serious…
It’s 362 days away and people already have their decorations up!
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?Boss: Absolutely… Read More »A man goes into his bosses office
It’s good news for insomniacs
Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.
Merry Christmas Hindus and Muslims
“Consider it a Christmas gift from the universe to the world” … “visible from parts of Indonesia, southern India, Oman and Saudi Arabia.”https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnn.com/travel/amp/solar-eclipse-christmas-scn-trnd/index.html
What’s the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?
The ornaments can be rehung again next year.
This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe
It hurt like the dickens
Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?
It was a stocking stuffer.
What does Frosty The Snowman have that Mrs. Frosty doesn’t?
Snowballs(Merry Xmas)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring…
Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.Merry Christmas Reddit!
What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity?
To see the manger.
Why does Santa never have to pay for parking his sleigh?
Because it’s always on the house!
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, “That’s a pretty watch you’ve got there! Does it tell you the time?”
She laughed and said, “No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!”
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Knock knock
Who’s there?Mary.Mary who?Mary Christmas!Knock knock.Who’s there?Anna.Anna who?Anna happy new year!Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
Please stop asking for a perfect man for Christmas.
Three times this week Santa has tried to kidnap me.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house.
What sort of “Easter Eggs” would you like to see in the Jurassic World 3 movie?
I was thinking I’d like to see a scene where Sam Neill’s character, Alan Grant, is in his home and it has an absolute amazing… Read More »What sort of “Easter Eggs” would you like to see in the Jurassic World 3 movie?