Fun jokes

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;”I would like to buy some cyanide,”The pharmacist asked her;”why in the world do you need cyanide?”She said;”I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed;”Lord Have Mercy I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law. I’ll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE.”The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says;”Well now thats different

Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street…

One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”

Tree Tunnel in Vermont

r/pics•Posted byu/loluser22961 hour agoTree Tunnel in Vermont
0 points13 comments

A man’s wife is 38 weeks pregnant with twins and he has to go on a month long business trip. Because the man knows that his wife will have the kids while he is gone he puts his brother in charge of accompanying his wife to the hospital and naming the kids.

Half way through the man’s trip, he gets a phone call from his brother who says, “Your wife just had a beautiful baby girl and a bouncing baby boy”The man says, “That’s wonderful! What did you name them?”“Well,” says the brother, “I named your daughter Denice.”“That’s a good name.” The man says, “What did you name my son?”The brother says, “I named him DeNephew.”

A blond takes her goldfish to the vet.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.The blond says, “Well DUH!!!, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm…

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”The ventriloquist apologizes profusely exclaiming that he didn’t mean to offend anyone and that he only told the joke because the audience seemed like they wanted to hear it.“Not you, asshole!” Proclaims the woman. “I’m talking to that fucker on your leg!”

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it

You can reduce the melt-rate of any ice cream you are holding by 12% by shouting IKEA furniture assembly instructions at it.

A local business owner was looking for office help.

The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “I still can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too.” The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test. By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said ‘equal opportunity employer’.The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”