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Going 20 years sober on January 5th!
It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.
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Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
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What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
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I haven’t showered since last decade.
What do you mean it’s not 2020 yet?
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Once I dated a girl with a parakeet and that f**king thing never shut up
The bird was cool
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The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
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No pair of balls are identical.
In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.
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Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, “two, four, six, eight, ten.”Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, “one, three, five, seven, nine.”The scientists then removed both halves of the man’s noggin, and asked him again to count to ten.The man said, “Look, we’re gonna count to ten. We’re gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can’t count to one- believe me, I’ve counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn’t count to ten. Well, I’m beating all of those people in the polls. We’re gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!”
Jokes
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