Skip to content

Jokes

  • A Mexican Magician…

    …told his audience he’d disappear on the count of three.He began counting “Uno, dos…”And he disappeared without a tres.


  • Commas can really change the meaning in a sentence.

    For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a coma


  • Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

    Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.


  • A Roman walks into a bar, Holds up 2 fingers, and says

    “5 beers please”


  • A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

    And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, “nah.. I’m going to stay in hell” and when he goes back down with the devil it’s all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says “what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?” and the devil responds….”well, that’s the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant”


  • My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances

    I said: “There’s the door”


  • I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

    I started the year off on the highest note possible.


  • DIVORCE

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”


  • This Soleimani dude has become pretty famous lately…

    It’s as if he just blew up overnight.


  • A farmer asks his wife to tell something that makes him both happy and sad.

    His wife replies: You have the biggest dick in the whole village.