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Jokes

  • Pour favor

    My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
    He still can’t say “please” though, which I think is poor for four.

  • Frank Einstein

    Would Albert Einstein have been so successful if his father had called him Frank?

  • Hand made

    A baby that came from a sperm bank is basically ‘hand made.’

  • End of arguing

    I was arguing with this really busty woman and she shoved my face in her tits.

    I don’t remember why we were arguing..

  • Early

    Let’s make our calendar end 8 years too early just to fuck with people.
    ~ Mayans

  • Job advertising

    Join our mid-aged and unfriendly team at an awkward-winning company with more than 1200 employees worldwide gone berserk.

    If you are:
    – Looking for a whole week of stressful boredom;
    – Stopped trying to pretend you like working and not just doing this to pay the bills;
    – With no idea what’s the point but still not suicidal enough;

    Your responsibilities are:

    – Come to work;
    – Try not to mentally meltdown at a meeting;
    – Make yourself feel useful and doing something of any importance by using some made-up terminology and a proper face expression hiding your utter feel of tediousness;
    – Wear a corporate badge while going for the 3rd time in the last hour for a smoke;

    We offer:
    – Some salary;
    – Opportunities for a total career screw-up and wasting precious years from your short and pointless life;
    – Fitness card because we need you in a constant pain both physically and mentally;
    – Healthy breakfast every Friday consisting of your own recycled faeces collected through the entire workweek;

    Send us your not at all mediocre CV with pointless things dressed up to sound somehow important and shit. And a random dick pic.

  • So much

    Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
    Who knew hair weighed so much?!

  • Scarry

    Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
    For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

  • Choice

    Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Great choice

  • I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

    I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
    Zero fucks were given.