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Jokes

  • Simple trick

    How to get a woman to think about you nonstop…

    …borrow a large sum of money from her?

  • Horrific

    It would be horrific if farting was as contagious as yawning.

  • Time for call

    There was this girl in high school that said she’d only sleep with me if the world was ending, thinking about giving her a call.

  • 2 minutes

    The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide….

  • Example

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

    “No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman told me.

    “Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.

    “No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

    “Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.

    “Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

    “Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

    The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

    I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

  • Only to stop

    The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

  • Stay safe

    I read that Covid-19 hasn’t affected the Amish community, it’s probably because they don’t have TV or social media.

  • Where is my shoe

    I drove my secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at our office party.
    Although nothing had happened, I decided not to mention it to wife, who being a suspicious person, could be very jealous.
    Later that night, my wife and I were driving home in the car when I spotted a single high-heeled shoe under her seat.
    When she wasn’t looking, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of the window.
    Later, as we got out of the car at home, my wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

  • The nose is bigger

    Dude: Do u wanna sit on my face?
    Girl: Why? Is your nose bigger then your dick?

  • Life lesson

    Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way for the neighbors to pay and build a privacy fence.