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Jokes

  • rates

    How Girls Rate Guys:
    (Looks + money + humor + intelligence)
    So if you score a 0 on looks and humor, but have a 1 on intelligence and money, you have a total score of 2.
    How Guys Rate Girls: Looks x (intelligence + humor) So if you score a 1 on intelligence and a 1 on humor, but a 0 on looks, you have a total score of 0.

  • another version

    What if humans came from Mars? Some catastrophe happened and they needed to leave so “Noah’s Ark” was built as a space ship instead of a boat. Then when it crashed landed into earth the impact killed the dinosaurs.

  • prank

    There is nothing funnier than yelling, “SHE’S STEALING MY CHILD!” and pointing at a woman who’s having trouble with her kid in public.

  • work out

    I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

  • one, two..

    Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.

  • I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will…

    I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

  • Me when I was little: “F is for friends who do stuff together, U…

    Me when I was little:
    “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me.”
    Mom: What are you spelling?
    Me: fun
    Mom: ohhhh.

  • bankruptcy

    I have $.27 in my account…that means I have more money than the whole city of Detroit!

  • dictionary

    The Hawaiian word for “lava”: “aa”, is remarkably similar to the word for “lava” used in the village of Pompeii: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”

  • randevu

    “Be very silent, i dont want my parents to know. They will kill me if they know I’m doing this, especially with you,” I whisper to my can of soda as I open it at 2 o’clock in the morning.