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Jokes

  • by itself

    “I’m leaving you” my wife screamed, ” You don’t lift a finger around this house.”
    “And what about this?” I replied, waving remote control. “Does this thing change channels by itself?”

  • do you believe

    Do you believe in love at first sight ?
    Because you might want to try losing some weight, if you want that shit to happen.

  • my mouth

    I told my wife “Everybody thinks I’m too sarcastic.”
    “What makes you say that?” she asked.

    I said “My mouth.”

  • anything

    What do you say toa girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
    Anything she wants to hear.

  • style

    my dance style ranges from white dad at a barbecue to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.

  • it’s complicated

    I had to change my relationship status on facebook to “It’s complicated” after breaking my right hand.

  • sense of humour

    I came home today to find my wife on ebay again.
    My kids have a weird sense of humor.

  • no excuse

    people with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.

  • I called my boss to tell him I wasn’t coming to work this…

    I called my boss to tell him I wasn’t coming to work this morning saying “My car won’t start.” He asked “What about the bus?”
    ” I don’t have a bus” I replied.

  • conversation

    -Shhhh
    -Shhhh
    -Shhhh
    -Shhhh A conversation between a cobra and a librarian.