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Jokes

  • mistake

    I sent texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks I’m gonna fuck her, and my girlfriend thinks I work late.

  • A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young…

    A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” the doctor observed.
    To the 1st mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He looks to the 2nd mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He looks to the 3rd mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
    At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says… “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”

  • I want to make a drink named F5…

    I want to make a drink named F5…

    Cause it will be refreshing.

  • advice

    Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

  • difference

    Girls: Age 14, Look 18, Act 21
    Guys: Age 21, Look 18, Act 14

  • old fashioned

    people who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their MySpace profiles

  • except

    saw this girl the other day… She’s so beautiful it’s like in heaven above gaved her everything… well except my phone number

  • follow

    -so… where were do you wanna go?
    – don’t speak, just follow your heart.
    – come on dude be serious or get out of my taxi.

  • witch

    Last Halloween I shouted to the wife “Baby there’s at witch the door, what should I do?”
    She shouted “Give her some candy and tell her to fuck off!”

    My mother in law hasn’t spoken to me since.

  • difference

    DATING: “Oh, you’re so funny! I just love a man with a great sense of humor! ”

    RELATIONSHIP: “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Is everything a fucking joke to you?! “