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Jokes

  • My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.

    My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I said I wanted a blowjob. She’s all, “no silly, something I can buy you.” So I asked for a good blowjob.

  • valentine

    I said to this girl, “Will you be my valentine?”
    “Talk to the hand,” she replied.
    “I did,” I said, “but he’s tired of being my date every year.”

  • cheating

    The garbage man is late.

    I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

  • so tired?

    Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk?
    I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

  • month ago

    We ask 18-years-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the restroom.

  • before

    No one’s an atheist 30 seconds before an orgasm.

  • Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

    Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

  • attention

    Fires tell their kids not to play with Chuck Norris.

  • the cure

    These new anti-depressants I got from the doctor are brilliant.

    I felt much better as soon as I put a dozen in my wife’s food.

  • unrealistic

    Porn is so unrealistic. I’ve been watching for 20 minutes now and no one has checked their phone.