Skip to content

Jokes

  • cheating

    While my girlfriend was showering I took a sneaky look at her Internet browsing history. I was shocked to see her last search was, ‘how to enjoy sex with a boring guy with a small penis.’
    The next thought that crossed my mind was, she must be cheating on me…
    I fucking hope she’s cheating on me.

  • What do you call a bee in the US?

    What do you call a bee in the US?

    – USB

  • no chemistry

    I went speed dating last night.
    Halfway through the night I was surprised to sit down in front of my first love. We had a great time together in college, and she was gorgeous back then, but time has taken its toll. She’s now an ugly fucker, and it seemed she didn’t like  me either. There was no chemistry at all.
    There were a couple of minutes of silence before I smiled and said, “Well, this is awkward…”
    “It is, isn’t it?” she replied. “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?” I thought for a few seconds before saying, “maybe we should pick up something for the kids on the way home?”

  • I’ve noticed there is a shocking amount of sex on TV lately.

    I’ve noticed there is a shocking amount of sex on TV lately.
    Especially when the wife goes out.

  • great moments

    Two whiskey drinkers in a bar.
    “I only drink whiskey at great moments.”
    “And what do you call great moments?”
    “The moments when I drink whiskey.”

  • disappointed

    Someone just used my driveway to turn around. Now I’m standing outside with two open beers and a lonley face.

  • glasses

    The doctor said I needed glasses..

    I assume he meant glasses of alcohol because I feel so much better now.

  • to buy mom

    A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.
    He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
    After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
    His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” The boy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mom.”

  • forgot

    If you are happy and you know it, You probably forgot that tomorow is Monday

  • about the apple

    Eve: “I got an apple”
    Adam: “…”
    Eve: “what?”
    Adam: “I thought we agreed on Android.”
    Eve: “Well the serpent said this was better.”