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Jokes

  • break the rule

    Today, I was cleaning the garage and found our old christmas lights. I noticed that the label said “for indoor and outdoor use only”. I’m still wondering how anyone could possibly break this rule.

  • obsession

    My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet.
    Worse than that my son Google agrees with her.

  • excuses

    Having some alcohol- every woman’s excuse for wanting to get laid.

    Having a penis- every man’s excuse for wanting to get laid.

  • selfies

    Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
    I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

  • that’s why

    Boss : Could I see you in my office?
    Me: No, probably not. There are walls that separate our offices.

    and that’s why I’m here Mr. HR manager.

  • Trust

    I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now, I might lose their trust.

  • I’m here

    I’ll call it a “smart” phone the day I yell “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”

  • literally

    It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs, because they always take everything literally.

  • long time

    Took the wife out for dinner last night & I was just about to order the steak when she said, “Why don’t you try something you haven’t had for a long time?”
    So I asked the waitress for some sex.

  • advice

    the best relationship advice i can give you is make sure you’re the crazy one…