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Jokes

  • Don’t understand

    If someone doesn’t call back after 2-3 calls, chances are they’re just not that into you.
    I wish these debt collectors would understand that.

  • Three previous

    My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

    He said, after his three previous funerals he personally wants to see the bastard go in the ground this time.

  • Service

    “So you’re telling me you carry a customer’s groceries to their car free of charge?” I asked the bag boy at the supermarket this morning.

    “Yes.” he replied.
    Shocked by this, I asked “Can you carry mine for me?” “Sure.” he replied As we walked across the entire distance of the parking lot, I finally stopped beside my car and said, “Wow! I still can’t believe you walked my groceries all the this way for free. I would have never done that man. I’m a lazy bastard.” “I gathered that.” he replied, “Now here’s your Kit-Kat sir.”

  • Present

    My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday.

    So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.

  • If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work….

    If I ever won the lottery, I would still go back to work….

    And tell them all to GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

  • Wine is like a laxative for feelings

    wine is like a laxative for feelings

  • Worth

    If someone needs to watch a flight attendant demonstrate how to fasten a seatbelt, is their life really worth saving?

  • Did you know: The average woman spends a year of her life…

    Did you know:
    The average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to where.

  • Cards

    “Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway.
    “Of course, Sir”, he replied, smiling.
    “Great”, I replied, “this one is an old birthday card.”

  • Not husband

    Wife:dear,this computer is not working as per my command.
    Husband:its a computer not a husband……!!!