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My kid, who’s into astronomy asked me how stars die
“Usually from suicide or overdose, son” i told him
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Relationships are like revolving doors
You just have to find the right time to sneak in and out
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I told a communism joke
Nobody laughed, they said it didn’t work.
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This Christmas, remember to do your shopping at Vile.Amazon.com
That way, a certain percentage of your spending goes towards the Republican Party.
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Anyone else still have their SS not pull your info yet?
Should I be concerned? I’ve already sent my SS their gift, and got a thank you from them. Mine still hasn’t pulled my info yet.
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A guy tried to sell me a fake Picasso, but I didn’t buy it.
I used my artistic lie-sense.
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How do you fart in another language?
You eat foreign food.
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How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to actually do the job, one to try and help, one to fuck shit up, and one to record the full thing.Btw, I’m American, just for ref.
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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom
Hi Mom, it’s me. “Hi Sally, are you okay? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill.””Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call, and that’s why I’m calling you.””Oh my god, what happened?””Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.””What on earth . . . Why did you do that?””Well, it really wasn’t my fault. Dad told me to find a Black and Decker. Mom, I knocked the shit out of her
Jokes
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