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Jokes

  • What’s red and smells?

    Rudolph’s nose.

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  • Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.

    The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

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  • Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

    Runs in the family.

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  • JOKESTER

    *me as a doctor *
    Me: Does it hurt?
    Mother: Yes
    Me: Now go vaccinate your kids or I’ll punch you again.

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  • JOKESTER

    Well it’s that time of year again when the fat bastard with the beard brings around a load of shit presents…..

    Man, I hate the Mother in law

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  • Grade school question, what day doesn’t end in “Y” ?

    Tomorrow.

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  • Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.

    My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.

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  • John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…

    John: “Is there a problem officer?”Cop: “You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?”John: “ahhhh, why don’t I spare you the trouble, officer? I don’t have a license, so I shouldn’t be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk”Cop: “Holy shit!”The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.Chief: “Sir, may I see your license?”John: “Sure”John had his licenseChief: “May I see the vehicle’s owner registration?”John: “Sure”

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  • How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

    Nothing, it’s on the house.

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  • Got some sad news today

    Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion.He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

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