One-Liners

The best one-liner jokes: short, clever and funny in a single sentence. Quick laughs you can read and share in seconds.

bad man

I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.

I wish my computer would stop asking me stupid questions. Of course I’m sure I want to clear my browser history.

My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said, motioning to the waitress, “don’t ever get married”

“yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever

I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.

I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.

My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”

Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…

Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.

I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.