Skip to content

One-Liners

The best one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.

no matter

What I’ve learned from movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by slowly walking.

already

When I tell my barber to “take a little off the top”, he tells me god already beat him to it.

price

‘organic’ is a special term used in supermarkets meaning ‘twice as expensive’

reason

I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

difference

5 missed calls from your girlfriend means, you missed a fuck; 5 missed calls from your wife means, you are fucked!

bad language

Just tried to remember the Macarena and wound up telling some deaf girl I fucked her husband.

movie

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied “I still love vista, baby.”

alone

I don’t always get text messages, but when I do they start with “Dear Customer..”

wrong

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.