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One-Liners

The best one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.

fried people

in a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment

compliment

I love what you have done with your hair, how do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

avoiding

When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

multi

I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.

too much

I just want to lose weight by staying in bed, watching TV, and eating chocolate chip cookies. Is that too much to ask??

so true

Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend…

different

I don’t know babe, you have an iPhone and I have an Android. We’re just two completely different people.

better place

Men, never go to a bar to pick up women. Just hang out in the shower head section at Home Depot.