One-Liners

The best one-liner jokes: short, clever and funny in a single sentence. Quick laughs you can read and share in seconds.

compliment

I love what you have done with your hair, how do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.

I just want to lose weight by staying in bed, watching TV, and eating chocolate chip cookies. Is that too much to ask??

Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend…

I don’t know babe, you have an iPhone and I have an Android. We’re just two completely different people.

Men, never go to a bar to pick up women. Just hang out in the shower head section at Home Depot.

What I’ve learned from movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by slowly walking.

When I tell my barber to “take a little off the top”, he tells me god already beat him to it.

‘organic’ is a special term used in supermarkets meaning ‘twice as expensive’