What does a vegan say to his doctor?
I’m in pain from my head tomatoes
thefun
The label said “Stir Well Before Use”.
So I stirred it three days before I needed it.
What’s red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
When Santa tries to sleep with other women . . .
He’s thinking with his South Pole
Mr. T opened up an all you can eat buffet.
It’s called I Pity The Full
You know why there is only one gender?
Cause it’s nerf or nothing
How do you know a drummer is at the door?
Three taps and he comes in late.
When I was younger I poisoned Santa’s milk and cookies as revenge for last year.
Waking up to my dad dead downstairs wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.
Seeing strange things above my bed as a kid
After months of reading creepy posts here and on similar subs I’ve thought back and recalled what feels like the closest thing to a paranormal… Read More »Seeing strange things above my bed as a kid
Whoever started this “Reddit is giving away 250 coins for giving upvotes” has an iq of 176 cause it has been planned right down to the screenshots of a fake msg from Reddit……you smart mf
I applaud the effort cause you have changed reddits upvote quantity for this entire Christmas season
So yesterday someone replaced a fifth of my ducks.
Well, that sucks.
People say that if princess Diana had been wearing a seat belt she would still be with us today.
I say to those people. Have you tried snorting cocaine of a cock in the back of a limo wearing a seat belt? It’s fucking… Read More »People say that if princess Diana had been wearing a seat belt she would still be with us today.
What did Lady Macbeth say to her dog?
Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My wife just sent me this text: “Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?”
Pretty excited… but does anyone know what “ternative” means?
I just rear ended a car and damaged the bumper.
It was an accident
Exact time uranium lasts?
On small grid small reactor, running at full power, how many minutes will it last with 1 uranium?
Crazy Story
So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The… Read More »Crazy Story
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I get surprised whenever I see a shower thought that’s dirty…
You’d think, that coming out of the shower, they’d be clean.
Two tourists visited Rome. What happened?
They two roamed restlessly!
Bob has no arms
Knock knockWho’s thereNot Bob
An old, beat up sedan rear-ends a shiny, sleek coupe.
The sedan’s owner, an old man, gets out and shuffles to the front of his sedan to examine the damage. A younger couple rushes out… Read More »An old, beat up sedan rear-ends a shiny, sleek coupe.
What does the pop musician say to the jazz musician?
To the airport please.
What animal is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey! It’s always stuffed!
Is it possible to recover from Margarine Fondling Syndrome?
My cousin Jeff had it, said he’s feeling butter now.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
A measuring cup got sent to prison
He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost.
It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he couldforage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.One afternoon… Read More »A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost.
A man walks into a grocery store.
A man walks into a grocery store. After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is,… Read More »A man walks into a grocery store.